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Navigating the Misuse of Children’s Tech

Children's Tech

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Table of Contents

  1. Child’s Position
  2. What We Know About Child Development
  3. Conversation Starters
  4. Centering the Child in Safety Planning
  5. External Resources

Last Updated: March 15, 2026

Navigating the misuse of a child’s technology as a tool for harm and surveillance of a current or former partner is complex and often demands immediate attention. However, it is equally important to recognize the strengths, skills and resilience that children bring to these situations. Collaborative safety planning can empower and help a child have a greater sense of control over the situation. This guide explores aspects of a child’s experience of tech abuse by an offending caregiver to support collaborative safety planning.

If something in this guide is no longer up to date and/or difficult to understand, please reach out to techsafe@bcsth.ca with your concerns.

 

Child’s Position

An important factor in discussing the misuse of a child’s technology by an offending caregiver is to consider what may be going on for the child in the moment and to resist going into solution-seeking mode right away.

Children may be experiencing:

  • Mixed feelings and emotions about technology misuse by an offending caregiver.
  • Loss of control over their technology.
  • Feeling an obligation to respond to the offending caregiver or relative.
  • Uncertain about how they will keep in touch with their friends or loved ones.
  • Uncertain about how they will manage school assignments or other school-related obligations.

Providing a safe space for children to express their feelings and emotions is the first step towards building a collaborative relationship in navigating the misuse of a child’s technology. While the safety risk is valid and needs to be addressed urgently, it is important to acknowledge that the child’s priorities may be different.

 

What We Know About Child Development

Navigating misuse of a child’s technology by an offending caregiver or relative can be complex for the safe adult and the children or youth involved. Before any decisions are taken, it is important to consider where the child may be in terms of their development, how they understand the situation and ways that information can be better communicated. One way to determine the best course of action or to provide appropriate support for the child is through the Rules of Seven Framework (Hardy & Nortjé, 2022).

0-7 Years Old

Cognitive Development

  • Child starts to develop memory at age 6.
  • Child is developing their language and verbal communication abilities.
  • Short attention span.
  • The prefrontal cortex (responsible for helping us plan, make decisions, and regulate our emotions) is not developed.

Social and Emotional Development

  • Has not developed core values; the child relies on adults in their life.
  • At age 3-4, emotional regulation begins to develop.

What Does This Mean

  • Child has not developed the ability to make independent decisions.
  • A space for the child to express their wishes and feelings is important.
  • Clear, direct and supportive communication in a physical space with minimal distractions is helpful.
  • Take the time to make sure the child is not blaming themselves.

7-14 Years Old

Cognitive Development

  • Selective attention.
  • Processing speed continues to decrease.
  • Improvements in working memory.
  • Prefrontal cortex is continuing to mature.

Social and Emotional Development

  • Age 7 to 11 – low rate of shifting emotions.
  • Age 11-14 – frequent mood changes.

What Does This Mean

  • The prefrontal cortex is still developing; independent decision-making capacity is still limited.
  • Encouraging the child to ask questions and discuss their preferences is important – provide a space to have a collaborative conversation.
  • Impact of puberty and emotions may impact decision-making capacity.

14 + Years Old

Cognitive Development

  • Pre-frontal cortex continues to develop (until age 25).
  • Ability to think in abstract terms (Piaget, 1973).

Social and Emotional Development

  • Increase autonomy from parents, wanting independence in decisions and a sense of control in their lives.

What Does This Mean

  • It is important to include the child in the decision-making process as much as possible.
  • Immediate concerns are a higher priority for a child at this age.
  • Prone to peer-pressure and impulsive decision-making.
  • The child is still forming their long-term values and life plans.
  • Learning to think and make decisions for themselves is a part of becoming a healthy, independent adult. (Modecki et al., 2022)

References

  • Hardy, N., & Nortjé, N. (2022). A Developmental Perspective on Pediatric Decision-Making Capacity. In Pediatric Ethics: Theory and Practice (pp. 27–37). Springer.
  • Modecki, K. L., Goldberg, R. E., Wisniewski, P., & Orben, A. (2022). What is digital Parenting? A systematic review of past measurement and blueprint for the future. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 17(6), 1673–1691. https://doi.org/10.1177/17456916211072458
  • Piaget, J. (1973). The affective unconscious and the cognitive unconscious. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 21(2), 249–261. https://doi.org/10.1177/000306517302100201

 

Conversation Starters

Depending on the child’s age, the following questions can explore ways to discuss the misuse of their technology with them:

Be curious about which function of the technology is most important to the child and why?

  • Example: Is social media a way for them to stay in touch with their friends, texting classmates for schoolwork, etc.?

Is there a way to preserve the aspects of technology that is important to them?

  • Example: Would changing privacy settings or opening a new account with a different name help keep the connection with their friends, and avoid the offending caregiver from contacting them?

Has the child been given the time and space to share their thoughts and feelings about the misuse of their technology? How do they feel?

  • Note: The child or youth may have mixed feelings and emotions because of this misuse; it can be helpful to express them out loud, even if there is no immediate action taken.

Which other trusted adult(s) can support this conversation?

  • Example: Are these conversations difficult to have with the child at the moment? Is there another trusted adult in the picture who could support them with this right now?

Is there a way to externalize the problem?

  • It can help to talk about device or account misuse by an offending caregiver or relative by imagining how someone else might handle the situation, rather than focusing directly on the child or youth’s actions.
  • Example: Imagine there is a dad who is checking their child’s texts on their cellphone to see what mom is up to. What do you think the child might feel?

 

Centering the Child in Safety Planning

It is important to involve the child in the safety planning process, depending on their age and maturity. The following are some communication strategies to use when discussing the misuse of their devices by the abusive parent or relative:

Explaining Gently:

  • Explain that the restrictions are for safety reasons, not a punishment.

Invite the Child’s Voice:

  • Provide a space for the child to express how they feel when they are online or using their device. Asking open-ended questions (what, where, when, how) may help start a conversation. It is important to listen actively and without judgment.

Involve Them in the Safety Planning Process:

  • Keeping the safety aspect in mind, what boundaries or device usage feels fair? Can something be negotiated? The shared decision-making process can help build trust and help avoid feelings of control.

Check Out BCSTH’s ‘Safe Tech Plan’ Together:

  • This tool will help to work together in exploring possible safety risks, choosing safe devices or ways to navigate the misuse of the child’s device(s), and be specific about which devices or accounts are being discussed to avoid any confusion. Going through this process together can help the child feel part of the process. If appropriate, the caregiver and support worker can jointly have this conversation with the child.

Be Flexible:

  • Each child’s safety and privacy needs are unique and age, maturity, emotional state and context matter.

Safety Consideration

Depending on the individual situation, altering or removing a device may lead to more potential abuse by the offending caregiver. Consider involving a support worker or other professionals in this safety planning process rather than doing it alone. They can provide additional resources or strategies based on their work supporting other survivors experiencing tech abuse.

 

External Resources

Here are some online resources to help start or continue the conversation around safe tech use.

How to talk to children about difficult topics

  • Organization name: NSPCC (UK Based Resource)
  • What is it: Tips and strategies for discussing tough topics with children, such as online safety.

Online Safety (Resources for Parents, Kids and Youth)

Resource Library – Guidance for Parents

To learn more about the types of technology abuse a current or former partner may be using through your child’s device to monitor or harm you, and to explore strategies for safer tech use, please see our Children’s Tech Glossary Guide.

 

To learn more about the types of technology abuse a current or former partner may be using through your child’s device to monitor or harm you, and to explore strategies for safer tech use, please see our Children’s Tech Glossary Guide

Feedback: This resource is still growing, and please help us make it better. Let us know if something is missing or if you have suggestions on what could help other young people dealing with technology misuse by a family member. Please complete this short feedback form on the Tech Safe BC contact us page. Thank you very much.

If you are experiencing tech abuse, you are not alone. Find support in your community by connecting with a BC Society of Transition Houses Member Program or check out our other safety resources at techsafebc.bcsth.ca.

©BC Society of Transition Houses, Tech Safe BC Project, 2026. We encourage others to share this material, provided BC Society of Transition Houses is acknowledged